about shit

I’d like to say a few, or more, words about shit.

There’s that saying, true saying might I add, that “shit happens”.
And it’s very natural, not all things we put in our mouth (and swallow) are useful for our body – not to mention that we’d get even fatter; so some has to come out, the bad stuff or excess / the recycled, the left-overs. Liquid is piss and solid is shit. Well, sometimes shit can be pretty liquid too but for comfort sake let’s not get into details.

But, as I was saying, shit does happen, it’s a natural phenomenon, we share it with the rest of the animals (as they eat too) and we also instinctively associated the word with the bad stuff, just like the stuff that our organism decided that is, well, shit.

And so whenever something bad happens, we tend to make appeal to the word shit, and we have quite some expressions around it too. Surely you must know some, like the simple ones: Oh shit! Shit happens. Shit Happened. Holly shit! or Holly fucking shit! or just Fucking Shit! or Shit hit the fan! or Shit is going down!

And indeed it’s very intuitive, natural. So much so that actually: do you know what makes “shit go down”?
Maybe you do, but in case you don’t here’s the scientific answer: gravity! Gravity makes the shit go down. It’d be floating about otherwise would’t it?

Part II

So we know shit is a natural thing, very much like gravity and we’ve seen the connection how, because of gravity, shit inevitably will go down. Also we’ve remembered some expressions that are present with us in our everyday life as reactions to bad shit.

But about those expressions with shit; though most of them are natural exclamations, just reflecting amazement equal to merely interjections, there have been appearing some shitty expressions too – with shit. And one in particular which is not very rational, not mostly it seams to me, is really bugging the shit of me. Here it is:

“Shit happens so get over it!”

Well… where should I begin?
Yes, as mentioned above, shit does happen, and normally – as it’s not an un-natural thing, not an extra-ordinary thing to happen, we’d rightfully think it’s normal to “get over it” and to see this as the best thing to do.

But if you notice, the incentive here is rather passive in relation to ‘the shit‘. Which I think is a bad idea and can / will lead to passive behaviour regarding shit.
I mean, NO! Don’t JUST get over it! If you say just that then the receiver is tempted to have the excuse to do JUST that, after all, it’s the natural thing to do.

But if we’d do JUST that, we’d be swimming in shit. Not that we aren’t more or less (at least sometimes) already swimming in shit, and I’d say that’s due to such passive attitude.

So again, no, don’t just get over it. Is it yours? Clean it up! Notify the author if it’s not you, the author might be deluded in thinking it’s jelly-beans and might need an awakening; or maybe it is jelly-beans and you could use an awakening. Don’t accept shit like it’s just so natural to swim in it… clean the pool at least now and then.

Now, I must say, sometimes you should just get over it and indeed it’s not very rational to dramatise – but don’t go in the other extreme either. Like: you planned a picnic and it started to rain – I suppose some might be tempted to say shit happened, but it’s just water, you CAN (could) actually swim in it and dance and enjoy the rain. Or you tripped and hurt your self… unless you fell on a spear or broke your neck – it’s nothing, you might be upset as to bring shit drama into it, if so – so be it, shit happens – you’ll heal, indeed not much to do but put a patch on it (but even so you did something – didn’t just get over it).

My reaction is to this incentive for passivity (aware or not). This expression tends to be used when someone might really be down, a wreck, with low self-esteem, low or no hopes, disappointment, the kind of situation when some empathy would be helpful, someone to say “i’m with you” or “me too” or someone to remind them of the successes too, to remind them that failures bring lessons and assure better new tries, better chances for new beginnings, and of how natural it is sometimes to make mistakes or be overwhelmed, that everything can be OK again, just hang on, that they believe in him/her…
The one that is down, to which the shit happened, is so because he/she cares about something (positive) and doesn’t need to be reminded that it happens, they know, they feel it. And your reminder and incentive to be passive (mostly negative) is not really helpful.

An encouragement is usually what’s missing for the needy to materialise own potential in a solution motivated by the care on the situation – a rational / realistic and empathic encouragement. Instead this expression usually motivates dropping the problem entirely, not caring anymore, it suggests so quite aggressively / disregarding.

Also, personally, I don’t recommend getting stuck to sympathy or falling to the coziness of superficiality – artificiality or silver-lining – which is usually bitter and a let down.

meeting samurai Jack

After hours of turns on the other side of the bed and stares at the window and ceiling and at the lights and shadows on the wall – he finally, slowly can’t keep his eyes open anymore and falls asleep. In his dream, he finds himself in a semi-misty (cartoony) forest, by him self. The light of the sun is just turning orange as the dawn light shades less and less blue all around. He walks towards one of the very high trees as to lean on it and, as he approaches the tree, a silhouette shimmers in the mix of the mist and trees ahead – from the direction of the sun so that rays of light are casting a clearer and clearer shape of a samurai. Gradually he distinguishes the colours and shades of a man that approaches in no hurry; the man has a  white robe, wooden sandals, a sword to his left side, his dark hair caught to the back almost at the top of his head, he has a peaceful and serene look and, although you could not identify a grim, his face was smiling all-together, his dark eyes glimmering as he was looking towards.
He knew this samurai, and although he was aware of the impossibility of meeting him, as he is a fictional cartoon character…  he was not surprised at all, just as he was not surprised that he was in a cartoon world.
The samurai stopped in front of him and greeted him by his name, smiling and bowing his head slightly in sign of acknowledgement and respect. Looking lost and tired he bows back and gestures a sight like a call for help or an admission that he is indeed lost.
They sit down on a wood log and, as they talk, the samurai offers him his consolation, understanding and wisdom, and tells him to not let go of being true to him self and to those around him. They talk for what seems to be hours, gradually he realises he had so many questions to ask the samurai and the samurai answered each question with patience and the same smile and serenity.
Eventually he starts to gradually feel tired and he tells this to the samurai which advices him to lay down and try to get some sleep as he’ll need the energy. The samurai assures him that he’ll remain with him to keep company and watch over till he wakes up. He does so and as he lays down he stares at the samurai which was preparing a fire. Yet again, tired he slowly closes his eyes, the light of the fire slowly dimming and warming his eyes. He wakes up in his bed again.

missing superstition

I realise I miss being superstitious… I’m not talking about religion or horoscope or other such nonsense, good riddance.

I’m talking about four leaf clovers, picking flower petals and thinking “she loves me, she loves me not”, “making a wish on a falling star”, flipping a coin in a wish fountain, thinking that because something(s) happened many times when you wear a particular T-shirt that’s your lucky T-shirt and if I wear it again chances are for that to happen again :-)

forget me nots ep. 7 ~ finish what you started

There’s an enthusiasm about new starts – most of the times – I imagine. I remember for my self a joy and serenity in the possibilities that I could see in a new start, be it small or big, professional or personal.
Sometimes those possibilities seam like a huge projection, sometimes I suppose they are. Maybe sometimes specifically because it is a huge projection it gets so bitter when you fail to nourish that projection and the value that it had or could have had.
A feeling of shame can follow, resent, maybe loss of confidence, vulnerability… All of these are things we’ve learned to stay away from, block as much as possible. A survival of the fittest instinct makes us detect these as enemies and apparently we reject the source entirely. We’ve grown skeptic in a way, so much so that we hesitate to believe easily, we fear we’ll make a mistake and be vulnerable again, we fear it’ll be foolish or that others will think we’re foolish and we might loose more then there might be to gain.
So… probably denial or a weird state of tranquility in which we try to focus on something else, preferably something that will help us grow, in this world that promotes the strongest, in this soup à la Darwin, which is totally understandable actually.
Then, I suppose there are other reasons also, less dramatic or melodramatic. Reasons that get us sometimes to not be keen in continuing something, or to realise there’s no sense in continuing something. Sometimes we just don’t know how to continue something, perhaps overwhelmed, perhaps frightened, perhaps bored, perhaps eager to do something else, to find, learn and understand new things, new places. What ever the reasons, one can sometimes leave unfinished things on a shelve with the thought that it’ll be taken care of later or sometime, or by someone else or by itself.

I’m not proud to admit I save several such things on a shelve. And this series is one of them, ironically enough the last episode that I had announced, more then two years ago, had this title set then. I knew.
I realise sometimes it’s difficult to finish some things. But I reckon is better to stay away from developing a habit to not finish things.

A song I love has between the lyrics: “every new beginning comes form some other beginning’s end” (Semisonic – Closing time). While not EVERY new beginning HAS to come from some other beginning’s end, my realisation is that if you don’t really finish something, that possible new beginning might be getting just a part of what you could offer in your attempt to make the most of it, to value it as you might have hoped or projected at one point.

I recommend you check your shelves or perhaps clean your closet sounds more familiar. It can be liberating, sometimes at least. It could be a closure you never had or never offered to someone, an unfinished ensemble of a miniature airplane model, a project, a confession… whatever it is, it can retain un unfinished part of your self. If you’ve realised it’s best unfinished, make it official and leave the shelf free. You might use some more space for things you’re currently focused on, or would probably feel better to change the label by removing the ‘un’ prefix.

floating in life

Alături de starea din urma cursului de Istoria Artei, cu pictura olandeză din sec. XVII, mai ales Johannes Vermeer – felul în care vedeau și reprezentau pictorii lumea în tablourile lor de atunci, plus o stare măgulitore / poate naivă în urma a altceva ce s-a întămplat seara trecută… e parcă perfectă melodia pentru a vedea lumea așa cum părea să o vadă Pieter de Hooch de exemplu. Sunt atâtea detalii în jurul nostru în orice moment, fiecare om, fiecare gest, detaliu al luminii, al umbrelor, reflexiilor, texturilor, fulgii în lumina farurilor și a stâlpilor izbindu-se între ei în vânt și în viteză spulberăndu-se pe asfalt.

Dacă intro-ul de la The XX m-a făcut să văd totul la un nivel macro, ca un zoom out în contextul Cosmosului, coverul ăsta m-a adus la un nivel micro în care revăd o lume excepțională în toată vastitatea Cosmosului unde încă nu știm alta la fel ca ea să o arătăm cu degetul. What brilliant odds for Earth to get this lucky, and how awesome the possibility of these chances for other planets in similar circumstances. The cosmos walking about wondering about itself and pondering how come it came into being.

Life is brilliant!

PS. Nu știu ce versuri are defpt melodia după care e făcut coverul și fac abstracție de ele deoarece e doar instrumental : – )

opportunity as gaps in our lives

I keep listening to this song lately, it’s addictive. I realised a state of tranquility listening to it while on the road. Was looking at the clouds that seemed to be following me in my journey, and because they were static on my right side and the earth was rapidly moving underneath them and me, it gave an enhanced sensation of the earth’s rotation. I was suddenly realising the motion of the earth in that illusion of actually seeing it spinning under the clouds and under me, as if I and the clouds were running against it’s spinning direction and were more standing in the same point in space while the earth was spinning underneath. And suddenly I had this image of the earth as this big round rock and an image of it spinning around the sun and all together spiralling trough the galaxy cluster, and with it also moving constantly in Cosmos.

Ever since, every-time I listen to this song, also at the office, I keep recalling that image and feeling that way and as a reflex I turn my head to the window and I can almost see the ground moving fast under the clouds which are sometimes barely catching up, other times speeding ahead. And I get in that feeling of being a passenger in a ride, on the road.

I though for a while, what an interesting state that is, on the road. Even if only on the bus for a few minutes commute. Seems like it’s a twilight zone, a space and time where we are letting go of one state.. relaxed perhaps at home, or focused at work. We’re leaving behind perhaps the comfortable bathroom-robe in which had been cleaning up the room while enjoying some jazzy, symphonic or hard rock music – whichever the personality or mood, almost dancing our way trough the room; and we’re taking on the business-suit or whatever other possibly less comfortable clothing might be expected of us where we’re going or whatever we imagine that it’s expected of us, some are even seeing it as putting up “a mask” or a different side of them-selves as they arrive and enter the destination.

So, on the road between the destinations, maybe we re-discover ourselves briefly, remember of other things not connected to where we just left or where we’re just going. Maybe we remember dues, maybe remember dreams, maybe remember loved ones or promises, and as we approach our destination we prepare ourselves for where we’re going, what ever there might be, what ever we expect, what ever others might expect of us, maybe looking forward, maybe hopping for a fast finish, maybe with sorrow, maybe with butterflies in our stomach…

It seems like little gaps in our lives where we have the chance to still choose if we really want to leave the place we left or if we really want to go in the direction we are heading, or an opportunity to ask ourselves “where would I rather this ride to take me?”

Cosmos – citat Carl Sagan

În ultimul timp “împărtășesc” foarte mult un îndemn de conștientizare a contextului nostru cosmic, prin fragmente din seria Cosmos sau alte citate – Carl Sagan sau de pe pagini facebook precum “Science is awesome” sau altele. Însă îmi dau seama că nu toată lumea dintre cei cărora le e adresat îndemnul poate să îl înțeleagă datorită ne-înțelegerii limbii engleze. De aceea am făcut această traducere. Vă rog să îmi spuneți daca aveți sugestii de îmbunătățiri sau este ceva greșit. (originalul în engleză e și mai jos).

Carl Sagan ~ extras din seria ‘Cosmos’ (traducere personală)

“Dimensiunea și vârsta Cosmosului sunt dincolo de înțelegerea umană obișnuită. Pierdută undeva între imensitate și eternitate este mica noastră casă planetară. Într-o perspectivă cosmică, cele mai multe preocupări umane par nesemnificative, chiar – meschine. Și totuși, specia noastră este tânără, curioasă și curajosă, și cu mult potențial promițător. În ultimele câteva milenii am făcut cele mai uimitoare și neașteptate descoperiri despre Cosmos și locul nostru în el, explorări extraordinare – ce ne îndeamană să luăm în considerare o realitate entuziastmantă – înveselătoare.
Acestea ne reamintesc că oamenii au evoluat spre a întreba și cerceta, că înțelegerea (științifică) este o bucurie, iar cunoașterea este o necesitate esențială pentru supraviețuire. Cred că viitorul nostru depinde de cât de bine cunoaștem acest Cosmos în care plutim ca un fir de praf în cerul dimineții.

Suprafața Pământului este malul oceanului cosmic. Pe acest mal, am aflat cele mai multe din ceea ce știm. Recent, am înaintat un pic mai în larg, poate până la gleznă, și apa pare primitoare (să ne invite să mergem mai departe). O parte din ființa noastră știe că de aici (din Cosmos) am ajuns să fim. Tânjim să revenim (la/în Cosmos), și putem, deoarece Cosmosul este de asemenea în noi. Suntem făcuți din praf stelar. Suntem o modalitate a cosmosului de a se ​​cunoaște pe sine.”

Originalul:

“The size and age of the Cosmos are beyond ordinary human understanding. Lost somewhere between immensity and eternity is our tiny planetary home. In a cosmic perspective, most human concerns seem insignificant, even petty. And yet our species is young and curious and brave and shows much promise. In the last few millennia we have made the most astonishing and unexpected discoveries about the Cosmos and our place within it, explorations that are exhilarating to consider. They remind us that humans have evolved to wonder, that understanding is a joy, that knowledge is prerequisite to survival. I believe our future depends on how well we know this Cosmos in which we float like a mote of dust in the morning sky.

The surface of the Earth is the shore of the cosmic ocean. On this shore, we’ve learned most of what we know. Recently, we’ve waded a little way out, maybe ankle-deep, and the water seems inviting. Some part of our being knows this is where we came from. We long to return, and we can, because the cosmos is also within us. We’re made of star stuff. We are a way for the cosmos to know itself.”

our example and influence in the world

We all learn from, and do as, examples in our lives (people, books, movies, plain stories, you name it).
With age we improve our ability to distinguish from good or bad examples (I’d hope), but children just go right ahead and assimilate without that ability to distinguish values. They are developing their ability to explore and understand the world and we all have a big influence on that process.

And actually, this is not only for the children but for everyone. Each of us has the ability to influence others and to be influenced by others.

In this perspective, this video is brilliant and I hope the message will make it’s viewers ponder on it and act aware.

my fortune non-cookies

So last week I found my self in a terrible mood / need for a fortune cookie.
Not sure why, have been pretty unstable lately, having trouble focusing, bit down… well you know, life has such moments too (for most of us – I imagine).

So anyway, I went to a place I knew they had (fortune cookies) and I also though I get a cup of tea as it’s the Demmers Teahouse here in Cluj. But they had no fortune cookies at the time…
Bummed, I went to another place where I like spending time, which I didn’t know if they had, but hopped they did have fortune cookies. They didn’t… Bummed yet again I decided there and then: no matter, I’ll write my own fortune cookies, well, they would not come with any cookies so I decided to call them fortune non-cookies so to not make any false advertisement. And here they are, for any needy soul that finds the usual provider un-ready for the clingy need that they might find them-selves with.

1. Yes you are in an ocean of irrationality, but keep swimming – you have just a bit more to the shore.

2. Feel like running on thin ice? Better slow down, there’s an iceberg ahead named recklessness.

3. Belle and Sebastian say ‘push barman to open old wounds” – that’s push, not punch!

4. Beyond every threshold there can be evolution… it’s up to you!

5. Other people’s foolish games might befuddle you and make you want to play your own… DON’T!

6. Steve is right “keep looking, don’t settle”* and incidentally double quote: “stay hungry, stay foolish!”

*Refers to stick to things that really bring passion and meaning in your life, not to being picky or following some perfection. It’s more than who you end up with, though that needs to resonate too.

7. They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Still, don’t mash your head into that wall…

8. Feel cluttered? Gather everything in one place > throw away the useless > organise.

9. Don’t understand something? There’s always the dictionary and/or Wikipedia. It’s often that easy.

10. The rabbit’s hole might go just as deep as you dig it… don’t you want to reach for the sky instead?

11. You may presume things about people or events, but remember: “presuming is the mother of all f@ck-ups”.

12. If you don’t have truth/honesty at the basis of your values, your other values might just be false.

13. One seams full of shit? Discreetly tell. It can be there where you thought or on your own lap. Awareness is good.

14. More then hearing, listen; more then seeing, observe; more then understanding what, understand why ~ Full-mindedly.

15. Trapped by dragon of own making? Set yourself free. Captain Planet said: “the power is yours”. Use courage to slay!

16. Enjoy NOW, you might not live in the future. But wisely as much as possible – remember moderation at least now and then. Future you will thank you in both cases*.

*Enjoy, but realize to stop/ change when you do it at the expense of more then just your own future. We’re so often trashing the ecosystem with our actions and ways. It’s rooted in our culture but that’s not an excuse.

17. Realise your thresholds, wich are worth keeping, which are wiser to cool down and which you should probably surpass and leave behind.

18.Failing to unfold your feelings and actions in the right order your intentions might not be known or believed…

Added after 3 years (I have more scattered in notes, but this one is a must, one of my favourites).

19.Remember Gandhi, and align what you think with what you say and what you do. It’s confusing and quite unfair otherwise, specially for yourself.

Later, experimental addition:

20. “Do what you gotta do”, but investigate first to reduce your chances of being mislead about what it is that needs/has to be done.

Even later addition:

21. Let your prefrontal guide you. Do what ever your giant cerebral-cortex tells you it’s worth it. Try not to cheat on/lie to your hypothalamus.

22. Trying your best has momentary thresholds, it’s actually a very elastic capacity – expanding as you exercise it… you’d be surprised

23. They say, and I’ve seen, how the small things have the power to make something wonderful in most meaningful ways, I’m also understanding how small things can easily create great misunderstanding and confusion.

24. Time can make things sweeter or bitter, but we’re the cooks.

Even later addition.

25. It’s often important, before you dish someone or something, to be patient to “see how things unfold”, but that doesn’t mean being distant and not caring or continuing your part to the unfolding – it doesn’t mean that you’re not part of/ not affecting the unfolding. Though it’s not necessarily mandatory that you’re part of it, if it came to be said – you probably are.

little version of a guide to finding yourself

It’s been a while since I tried to think in rhymes. Here’s an unfinished such thought.

Look behind you!
If you let everything go

and just stare at your life’s ground as if it was snow,
You might realise how bits of you left footprints in it’s glow.

Now look a bit around you…
Look up, look down, look left, look right,
Look at your surroundings – see them trough day and night…
And shining trough the darkness,

And gliding trough the light,
You find those pieces of you holding together tight.

confession 17

One summer day, just after I had turned 17 years old, I had this though that if it were possible to choose an age to which to remain forever, it would be 17.

I feel the same.

supposed truth about two plus two

I’m sorry, it seams i’m unable to put two and two together. I suppose that’s because i see two and two but there seams to also be a times 3, or is it times four? And do I also see divided to two again? Why the division?
Or is it just two plus two? Oh, it’s a minus? I don’t know!! I’m going mad!

Why can’t people just talk about this sort of things, help them-selves rid of all that’s only in their mind and value or deal with only what’s really there? Is there anything there? Sometimes the desire or need for there to be something (specially something in particular) can make one see it there even if it’s not, and then again, sometimes the fear of vulnerability and lack of confidence can make one think there’s nothing there even if there actually is..

It all ads up to some freaky comedy of life where simple truths can be torn and made into monsters of our fear of vulnerability and of loosing the state of the comfortable world that some have worked so hard to get to and keep it this comfortable.

And I suppose that’s a reason we don’t just say stuff, why we don’t just talk about some things, isn’t it? Vulnerability, fear of failure, of going trough things or making others go trough things, of being misunderstood, or of realizing delusion..

And to top it all, because of all this maddens one can just give up.. discouraged by the implications brought by natural selection in all this shadows reading unwanted exercise to which time is nothing but curly making people move on or go slightly mad.

But it could all be so simple, if we just said what’s on our minds, fully and truthfully.. after that, it could be either so very good, either the truth will hurt.. but it’ll be the truth, it will help us know better, be better, move on..

One more thing: nothing HAS to be sacrificed, or given up on. No one HAS to do anything or to stop doing anything. It seams like a matter of choice, but it doesn’t HAVE to be a mater of choice, one can have them all, and I mean ALL. And actually by ‘one’, I mean two can have it all too, nothing HAS to be lost, nothing HAS to be given up on.
And yes, by two plus two I actually mean one plus one.

suppose#2

I suppose we mostly know what we want, it’s a such a conspicuous contrast of our desires.. what we need though.. can be like an equation to which we don’t always know or understand all of the parameters..

Cheers.

the night and the wonder after sorrow

End of chapter 10 from ‘Three man in a boat’ by Jermoe K. Jerome.

“The boat seemed stuffy, and my head ached; so I thought I would step out into the cool night-air. I slipped on what clothes I could find about – some of my own, and some of George’s and Harris’s – and crept under the canvas on to the bank. It was a glorious night. The moon had sunk, and left the quiet earth alone with the stars. It seemed as if, in the silence and the hush, while we her children slept, they were talking with her, their sister – conversing of mighty mysteries in voices too vast and deep for childish human ears to catch the sound. They awe us, these strange stars, so cold, so clear. We are as children whose small feet have strayed into some dim-lit temple of the god they have been taught to worship but know not; and, standing where the echoing dome spans the long vista of the shadowy light, glance up, half hoping, half afraid to see some awful vision hovering there. And yet it seems so full of comfort and of strength, the night. In its great presence, our small sorrows creep away, ashamed. The day has been so full of fret and care, and our hearts have been so full of evil and of bitter thoughts, and the world has seemed so hard and wrong to us. Then Night, like some great loving mother, gently lays her hand upon our fevered head, and turns our little tear-stained faces up to hers, and smiles; and, though she does not speak, we know what she would say, and lay our hot flushed cheek against her bosom, and the pain is gone. Sometimes, our pain is very deep and real, and we stand before her very silent, because there is no language for our pain, only a moan. Night’s heart is full of pity for us: she cannot ease our aching; she takes our hand in hers, and the little world grows very small and very far away beneath us, and, borne on her dark wings, we pass for a moment into a mightier Presence than her own, and in the wondrous light of that great Presence, all human life lies like a book before us, and we know that Pain and Sorrow are but the angels of God. Only those who have worn the crown of suffering can look upon that wondrous light; and they, when they return, may not speak of it, or tell the mystery they know.

Once upon a time, through a strange country, there rode some goodly knights, and their path lay by a deep wood, where tangled briars grew very thick and strong, and tore the flesh of them that lost their way therein. And the leaves of the trees that grew in the wood were very dark and thick, so that no ray of light came through the branches to lighten the gloom and sadness. And, as they passed by that dark wood, one knight of those that rode, missing his comrades, wandered far away, and returned to them no more; and they, sorely grieving, rode on without him, mourning him as one dead. Now, when they reached the fair castle towards which they had been journeying, they stayed there many days, and made merry; and one night, as they sat in cheerful ease around the logs that burned in the great hall, and drank a loving measure, there came the comrade they had lost, and greeted them. His clothes were ragged, like a beggar’s, and many sad wounds were on his sweet flesh, but upon his face there shone a great radiance of deep joy. And they questioned him, asking him what had befallen him: and he told them how in the dark wood he had lost his way, and had wandered many days and nights, till, torn and bleeding, he had lain him down to die. Then, when he was nigh unto death, low through the savage gloom there came to him a stately maiden, and took him by the hand and led him on through devious paths, unknown to any man, until upon the darkness of the wood there dawned a light such as the light of day was unto but as a little lamp unto the sun; and, in that wondrous light, our way-worn knight saw as in a dream a vision, and so glorious, so fair the vision seemed, that of his bleeding wounds he thought no more, but stood as one entranced, whose joy is deep as is the sea, whereof no man can tell the depth. And the vision faded, and the knight, kneeling upon the ground, thanked the good saint who into that sad wood had strayed his steps, so he had seen the vision that lay there hid. And the name of the dark forest was Sorrow; but of the vision that the good knight saw therein we may not speak nor tell.”

Dear brother, friend, world

I love you, ..brother, ..friend, ..world. I’m sorry I don’t tell or show you this. I do.

I want to tell you that I do care. I always did. I seam to not know how to let you know. How to communicate to you.

Sometimes I don’t  know any better,  I’m no stranger to ignorance and procrastination either. 

But I also want to tell you that I’ve changed.. I guess I’ve always been changing a bit, learning a bit, realizing a bit. I’ve always wanted to improve.. I guess because I’ve always seen a need to improve my self. I keep realizing mistakes that I’ve done, and try to value the lessons learned. I’ve been careless.. too careless. I’m sorry, i realize at times I’ve let down, probably at times in a shocking way. 

I know I’ve still got a long way to go. Maybe we all have. I feel that I have to catch up sometimes. And sometimes I know that’s true. 

I’ve been undecided, I’ve been irresponsible,  i had let my self go. I’ve created expectations and have  disappointed.  I know I’ve also had success, I don’t remember the average but I remember the particular times that I regret disappointing. I could have done better. 

You’ll probably still have to bare with me sometimes. If that happens, again, I hope you’ll help me see that I’m worth it.  We all are. I know we can do wonderful things and have a great time together.

Please let me know of my faults so that I can improve and look you in the eye with opened mind and honesty. I might be difficult, stubborn, maybe in denial. Build your arguments around my feedback if it’s contradictory, I’ll try to do the same. Thank you for your effort to not let hasty reactions be an impediment for improvement. 

film de scurt metraj ‘Parcul’

Acest sinopsis / scenariu l-am clocit pentru un curs de inițiere în cinematografie, ținut de Cineremember în Tg. Mureș (2010). Ideea era ca participanții să propună ideii/sinopsis/scenarii pentru un filmuleț care să fie partea practică a cursului. Membrii și colaboratorii Cineremember venind din București, îmi imaginam ca nu va putea fi foarte extravagantă partea practică deoarece cursul a fost gratuit și ar fi fost echipament de trasnsportat.

De aceea m-am gândit la această povestioară că va fi la îndemână, ușor de parcurs și învățat prin experință. Deși ideea mea a fost aleasă într-adevar pentru acele motive, și pentru suport și instrucțiuni au venit oameni capabili precum Șteafan Matei, realizarea clipului a lăsat de dorit, deși instrucțiunile teoretice au fost utile. De aceea îl împărtășesc acum în norișori pentru a valorifica totuși cât de cât ideea și efortul. Ar fi interesant să îl pot realiza așa cum mi-l imaginam.. odată. Iată ce am trimis organizatorilor cursului pentru selecție (cu mici ajustări).

PS. Se unmește “Parcul” deoarece se întâmpla într-un parc dar și are de multe ori în el cuvântul “parcă” : – ). Imaginile și filmulețul le-am făcut la exercițiul practic din timpul cursului / filmărilor – secvența asta am facut-o atunci doar scop ilustrativ, nu penru a fi folosită în montaj.

(deoarece e un filmuleț de căteva minute, am insistat la consisteța unor detalii importante. Acest film de scurt metraj este fără dialog, doar sunete din parc, oameni care trec – ‘environment sounds’).

Într-un parc, pe o bancă: o fată. Vizavi, pe o altă bancă, un băiat. Întâi ii vedem individual, parcă triști – încăt empatia celor ce vizionează filmul își face apariția: unii oameni se identifică cu personajul fie ca fiind tirști (singurătate), fie ca fiind ingrijorați (probleme – însă din nou ar avea nevoie de suprijinul cuiva).

Inițial aceștia sunt fixați cu ochii în pământ, neobservându-se. Între ei trec alți oameni (prin parc) care se bucură de vreme sau pur și simplu de timpul liber.

Pentru a da o admosferă/notă mai inocentă/senină, prin fața celor doi trece un cuplu fericit, altul cu un copil care se joacă de mână cu parinții lui.. poate și alte astfel de imagini.

Cei doi se observă pe rând, separat, și încep să aibe o mică idilă din priviri, am putea să îi zicem un flirt insă admosfera, privirile și zâmbeletele lor sunt parcă așa de pure, nevinovate încât am elimina conștiința și intenția unui flirt.

Întâi se prefac că nu s-au observat, apoi își zâmbesc – parcă fără să își dea seama. Apoi, conștientizând acest contact, băiatul parcă se rușinează și își întoarce timid privirea spre pămnât. Apoi se preface că se uită în altă parte ca și cum pentru a nu-i fi observată privirea. Observând aceasta,  fata zâmbește amuzată și, ca un copil, își pune ambele mâini pe banca și isi leagănă (sau mișcă) picioarele și se uită și ea în stânga și dreapta.

Apoi, ca un joc cu doi copii timizi, fiecare se mai uită din când în când la celalalt, iar când și celalat se uita își întorc privirea ca și cum s-ar fi uitat defapt altundeva. Parcă entuziastmați  fiecare –  de jocul parcă copilaresc – zâmbesc fericiți parcă doar pentru sine, parcă înduioșați și totuși parcă prea timizi să își zâmbească privindu-se unul pe celălat.

Fata, dându-și seama că gândurile îi plutesc duse de această idilă, are un moment parcă de constientizare în urma căruia își pleacă capul parcă timidă.

Un gest ușor de mușcare a buzelor transpare starea fetei pentru cei ce vizionează, și – luându-și un moment pentru a se gândi la ceea ce se întâmplă,  cu capul plecat – parcă îi fug ochii dintr-o parte în alta pe pământul din fața ei – ca a unui copil care tocmai își imagineaza cum va devora o prăjitură de care îi este foarte poftă și o vede știind că urmează să o mânânce în căteva momente.

Deodată, privirea i se oprește și, zămbindu-și parcă, își ridică ochii înapoi spre băiat.

Când își ridică privirea îl vede cum acesta se ridică de pe bancă, însă lângă el – tocmai ajunsă – este o altă fată pe care acesta o sărută și cu care pornește de mână spre ieșirea parcului.

Parcă subit, fata își dă seama de deziluzia în care s-a lăsat purtată de acel moment, care părea așa inocent/pur, imediat apoi cuprinzând-o tristetea. Se uita la baiatul care iese cu prietena lui din parc, apoi parcă re-observându-i se uită la oamenii din parc – la un copil care fuge la mama lui, la alt cuplu care stă pe o bancă, la o familie cu un copil care se plimbă prin fața ei.. apoi își apleacă încet privirea din nou spre pământ rămânând cu ambele mâini pe bancă. A revenit la tristețea inițială, însa de data asta parcă are o nouă tentă, sau poate de data asta doar știm mai bine cum să empatizăm cu ea..

Cadrul se departează ușor de banca ei până când în cadru intră un alt băiat care vine lângă ea și o ia in brațe, perietenul ei.

Ultima secvență este imaginea ei care, îmbrațișată cu prietenul ei, se uită peste umărul lui în jos tristă. De aici cadrul se departează și trece ușor în ‘blur’.

Acest mod de trecere între cadre – trecere prin blur (obținut prin controlarea focusului) – e refolosit pe parcurs. Astfel putem schimba focusul de pe unul din personaje (celălalt fiind aproape invizivil în blur) pe celălat personaj – ieșind primul personaj din focus – pierdut in blur (însă păstrând ideea că acesta este acolo și observă ceea ce este în focus).

it’s difficult..

Sometimes it’s difficult to make a choice.
Here’s an easy way, and don’t hurry with the reaction.

Flip a coin! Only one time! I’m not saying that you should follow the result cause that’s it, but notice your reaction after the supposed decision was made by the coin flip..

It will tell you what you really want – by the joy that it was what you wanted or the disappointment that it wasn’t.

PS. This doesn’t assure the decision is the best thing for you, the most moral or rational or such, but it should tell you what you really want. Flip the coin again if you want to check morality, hopefully your consciousness will tell you the truth.

forget me nots ep.6 ~ begin! be there!

I’ve finally begun writing this post. It’s about a year later then I would have liked it to be and I’m not proud of it. It’s been all sorts of stuff keeping me from doing it. I suppose procrastination is one of them. Ever since I’ve learned about this word ‘procrastination’ I’ve managed on one hand to realize the damage it can do, and sadly it has done, and on the other hand I’ve recognized the.. sometimes meditative – sometimes creative results that followed it.

I find meditation and creativity to be some of the most important things that can better and shape our lives. But another such important thing is action. I’m comming to believe that with out it, meditation and creativity are.. meaningless. But that’s another talk.

Although the time was productive, creative, inspiring, insightfull, informative, energizing in a tired moment; I often remember there was something else I said to my self (and possibly others) that I would do.

It’s not the things I’m obliged to do for someone else, the kind of things you’d find in a contract or agreement. I’m trying to be as prompt as I can with those. But it’s the personal things.. something I want to do, planned to, maybe even dreamed of doing, maybe something I realized I should do or promised my self that I would do..

In a way the contracts and official agreements can get to be an easy excuse for procrastination. Some could tend to forget that, as it is for most, contracted effort usually has a personal scope that is not written in the contract / agreement. Such would be the paradox of working so hard to have money to do what ever you want that it takes ones time and energy so that one doesn’t get to do anything else but work. I hope that’s not a common situation.

It seams starting means trying.. I’m not sure what’s really keeping us from trying.. the fear of failure, of the shame of failure, the vulnerability of the exposure..

What ever it is, I’ve started to realize the importance of trying. By trying I can find the value in it or the flaws of it, I can gain the benefit or learn the lesson it can bring.. I only have to lose by remaining hung-up with anything. Sure it’s good to prepare, investigate, ask for advice or more perspectives, but don’t get stuck. Triying can help you even if you fail, you’ll benefit from the experience in your next try and will be able to move to the next thing.

Think I’ll learn more from sharing these thoughts then keeping them for my self. Even without feedback, I seam to come back to what I write in here with a more objective perspective second or third time around.. although outside thoughts are way more productive. Add a title “personal” to the comment if you want to share an unpublished thought (all comments are moderated).
Thanks for your patience if you’ve made it so far.

fotografii programatoricesti

Fotoclubul ISDC participă la Salonul Aniversar Internațional “Carol Pop De Szathmari, 200” şi implicit la Festivalului Național “Luna Fotografiei din România”.
Acesta se desfasoară in perioada 10 ianuarie 2012 – 31 ianuarie 2012. Detalii AICI.

Fotoclubul ISDC are in cadrul acestui evenimnent o expoziție a cărui temă este orientată spre ISDC team & facilities (code name: ‘fotografii programatoriceşti’).
Vernisajul acesteia (vedeți şi in programul evenimentului) va fi in 28 ianuarie de la ora 18 la 2 minute Cafe & Pub (Vasile Goldiş #4).

expoziția cursului Bavarde

În ultimele săptămâni am participat la cursul de fotografie ținut de Irina Dumitraşcu la Fabrica de Pensule.
Vinerea aceasta (20 mai) ora 19 va fi vernisajul expoziţiei cu fotografii făcute de cursanţi în cadrul cursului. Printre acestea bine înţeles şi fotografii făcute de mine.
Ne vedem acolo.

expo curs Bavarde

forget me nots ep.5 – find & mind the extremes

I would like to use Buddha’s learnings. (extracted from Popular Deities of Chinese Buddhism)
The Buddha asked a monk who was reciting a sutra:

‘How did you find it when the strings were too loose?
No sound is possible. was the reply.
How when the strings were too tight?
They crack.
How when they were neither too tight nor too loose?
Every note sounds in its proper tone.’

In this sense the title of the post is referring to the middle way path. This middle way path is left for interpretation because people have different notions of extremes. If you’re not sure which would be the middle way, consider what would be the extremes of your situations. Then consider the actions which would most likely not get you anywhere near the negative extreme. Also start to ask if the positive extreme is not deluded, if it’s healthy or if it’s actually what you want.

It’s known that most things are more enjoyable when done occasionally then say every day or several times a day. That is because with most of the things it starts to be a routine and new interesting things in contrast to routine interesting things are usually more appreciated. Staying off for a while – missing the activity, you build anticipation and that then leads to enjoying the next experience in a more full minded way.

Still this perspective can lead in another extreme. So many times when people try to stay away from an extreme, they tend to go to another extreme, it seams some people have binary consciousness, I guess it’s easier to identify extremes, specially negative ones, because these are most popularized (unfortunately).

Update:

“Middle Path” may be misunderstood as equivocal. In fact Buddhism is not as such. “Middle” means neutral, upright, and centered. It means to investigate and penetrate the core of life and all things with an upright, unbiased attitude. In order to solve a problem, we should position ourselves on neutral, upright and unbiased ground. We investigate the problem from various angles, analyze the findings, understand the truth thoroughly, and find a reasonable conclusion.

Buddhism – The Middle Path

Update2. Actually do look at this possible positive extreme, you might find it is what you want, it’s healthy to want the best for your self and others thus this positive extreme is worth exploring to the maximum, that is probably where we all want to get, and we all deserve it. Do mind the delusion but mind it in a sense where you realize difficulties and get prepared, many or most things, like Rome, are not build in a day (or easily).

Jim, Bob and Pete

Pete is an imaginary friend of a schizophrenic person, a fictive character that has not his creator’s faults, he’s always mentioned in some situations that ‘he would have known better’ and ‘realized better’ and ‘done better’, ‘done the right thing’ and so on; ..so much so that, although the others do realize that Pete is a fiction of his imagination – some start to look up to him.

Bob and Jim are sitting on the doc with the feet in the water, just staring at the water, stars and moon. Sounds of the night are clearly heard now and then breaking a contrast in the very mute atmosphere.

After a while, in which both were jut gazing straight ahead, Jim moves his sight a little towards the moon first, then at Bob, then ahead again, and – like realizing something, turns again to Bob:

Jim – Bob?

Bob – Yes?

J.Would you be Pete?

Bob, turning his head just a bit and looking slightly in another direction to think, says after a while:

B.I don’t know.. it depends..

J.On what?

B.(Turning his head a bit again) Well.. is he rich?

J.(After pondering a bit) Suppose he is..

B.Way richer the me or just a bit rich..?

J.Suppose way richer..

B.Is he athletic..? I mean the silhouette.. you know?

J.Well..

B.I don’t mean if he’s very sport-ish or muscle packed but.. you know, if he’s fit enough.. like, not looking like a slob or anything.. not fat or thin as a reed, but also with some shape in his body..

J.Well, say he’s athletic, you know, got the muscles but just the right amount.. nothing too fancy but.. just enough.

B.And the face? Is he handsome?

J.Yeah, he’s handsome.

B.More hansom then me?

J.Well.. would you like him to be?

B.(thinking a bit) Dono’..

J.Say he’s just the right way you’d appreciate it the most.. you know.. like.. just so much more or the same amount of hansom.. -ness as you’d like him to be..

B.And he’s smart yes? I mean, he knows things, read a lot and.. stuff..

J.Aahh, yes! He’s the smartest, very sharp mind indeed, very vigilant..

B.Well.. I wouldn’t mind being Pete then.. wouldn’t be so bad I suppose.. might actually enjoy it I think.. at lest for a while you know.. to see what it’s like, you know? .. to be Pete..

Both are silent for a few seconds. Then Bob continuing;

B.I mean wouldn’t you?

J.(after taking his time) I dono’..

B.I mean if he’s way richer.. and still down to earth, and.. and a good fellow, and all clean and mannered..

Jim doesn’t answer and Bob looks surprised, and in a way trying to justify him self,:

B.Wouldn’t you? I mean.. say he’d have it all, all you can want, be all you would like to be..

Jim still seems in doubt and doesn’t answer.

B.Well? Would you? (like a cry for solidarity)

J.It’s true I suppose.. I do have a lot of things that I.. could have done better.. ways I could have been better I suppose.. I have done many mistakes.. I guess because I did’t know any better or.. because I was distracted by other things.. there are still so many things I don’t know, that I.. wish I knew. Somehow it seams I just can’t wrap my mind around all of these things..

It’s silence for a few seconds when Jim suddenly continues

J.But there’s nothing like being with my baby.. somehow I don’t see Pete with my baby.. the thought disturbs me. It’d be like cheating or taking an undeserved shortcut.. But then I think we have our own version of Pete, a better us, to which we try to head towards and gradually become.

[…]

B.Well.. it was just a hypothetical question (getting upset like a child almost about to cry out, offended), I mean you started and asked me in the first place!

Again a few seconds of silence when Bob looks upset at Jim which keeps staring at the water. Suddenly Bob, upset stands up and leaves after exclaiming upset:

B.You twat!

By me

Actually I was fluctuating between different endings in Jim’s answer. I’m not happy with this current ending. In one of the versions Jim gets jealous on Pete (left a bit of possible interpretation but barely) and starts to feel insecure. In another version he realizes he doesn’t want to be anything like Pete but I did not want to portray a man who is conscious enough to think that ignorance could be a bliss and also accept it as his fate. I’ll possibly update the ending. But it will still be with Bob getting upset and leaving, just that now, his reason for being upset and calling Jim a twat is not obvious or well build.