by me – AR ~ Adrian Radic

a bunch of words

All you have to do is staaaart….
That long A is not yelled or such, but sung (Prince’s sexy MF in the background – because life : )

So yes, start, there’s some music maybe – actually a specific song that finally gets you in that writing mood again (oh, no – it wasn’t Princes MF song : ) but that’s just it, it can be so rare that you might start thinking that: oh, man – I got this vibe but I have a deja vu of the song ending and it going all to heck with some next song – no more flow of the moment, and another idea remains begun and possibly left on a ‘shelf’ to catch dust… (a voice in my head tells me to curate the song-list so I avoid such… oh, shut up voice! Yeah maybe you’re right – don’t know, stop jiggling the moment!)

But the next song didn’t exactly break the flow, more like empowered it somehow – I do have love for Prince, that sexy MF, he knows it’s about the mind and not the body, mmm-mh (delish). The initial song was something by Tom Rosenthal in case you were wondering, and actually, the playlist started with ‘Gravity’ sung by John Mayer… mmm that song just makes me howl by the half of it.

Right… so much intro, but I guess it’s fitting underneath the title “a bunch of words”.

What is it about? Incidentally “what is it about?” would probably be the question of the millennia, or almost be – on my part, if it weren’t for the even better question “why is it about that?” – but the tricky thing is that this more important question seems to only be able to come after the other one… so seems we have to invent some whats in order to be able to question them why…

But that’s ok, we’re creative – inventive creatures… look how much meaning we invented… amazing! In case this seems vague, it comes in the context of all meaning being invented by humans, and we did have a bunch of trial and errors – still do. On one hand, I’m inclined to say ‘we still do – thankfully’ because that’s how we got to science, and look how far that got us. But unfortunately, it seems we keep on doing the things that failed – for some reasons I guess… like because they make (perceived more or enough) money (and trying something new is risky and we tend to be preserving our energy – and afraid to fail, because it means new effort to adapt to something else, transitions… we’re not too good in managing those, important needed transitions need some sacrifice, at least of comfort but we’re too proud to let go of that, we worked too hard for it, and sometimes we just need it – tired we might yearn for finally that lay-back… yes somewhere in the world the layback means just laying back, not even in a bed but at least not hungry and with some relative heat… it’s not our fault that we know there are so many amazing things to do and see in the world and we’re worked hard in order to be able to see and do them)… because we don’t know whether it is or not right / don’t know any better… because we’re just so used to it… it became us – we became it, it became our culture, our familiarity which we often so stubbornly defend even if it’s sometimes so wrong… I don’t even know if the defenders are aware or ignorant – and I don’t know if there’s anyone that is not or was not such a defender at least at one point, possibly to get in that spot again probably letting the impulse get the better of the pre-frontal – which might give in to the defensive/adrenaline rush… or maybe just the ego not being able to admit fault, maybe not in that moment of exposure (although that exposure moment often seems to have a potential of antecedent)…

My man James Brown is in the background, like a prophet: “I told you so” … “having fun” … “pay the cause” … that’s us, humanity… a “bad mother”… but will we have a “turn around” or will we just swallow the “I told you so” the scientists behold… are we ready to “get up and do our thing”? “Get up!” … “Stay on the scene” … maybe not like a sex machine, or I guess whatever works…

So back to the pile. I meant to write for a while now… some years… It’s just that… there’s a burst of content, an inundation – it’s been so for a while. So many awesome things, so many petty things, so many perspectives one can uncover, everyone’s experience at the tip of anyone’s finger… so much of it curated, selective, and polished, and yet so much of it not… just there… what’s the point, adding another bunch to the pile…

while at Hemingway ~ Gin & Cocktail Bar in Barcelona

While here, a couple got carried away and wrote the following (playful) verses (Hemingway did some of those too):

A piña-colada donkey
and an absinthe-minded monkey,
were going up on a banana-ladder,
to exchange a black-piano key with a feather.
But then, the silence woke to the whisper of a ding-dong-bell…
and tranquillised all with the Hakuna-Matata song, this time sung by a bear,
and all sorts of animals joined, dancing in a holly way.
The piano key opened the door and the feather wrote the journey back home,
each encountering a touch of a new world –
recycled from the ashes of past ascendings…

PS. The drinks are swift and the whole place plays along.

PPS. An after-read in one go seems to give a reaction of… oooooK, moving on. So I guess it’s worth mentioning that we were slurping the cocktails and going each one verse at a time so, at the time, we really sunk in each verse for a while as we slowly progressed, infatuated by the Hemingway allure.

meow

Here’s a sort of anecdote I keep coming back to, don’t remember if I know it from somewhere – don’t remember a source but my brief relationships with cats – I imagine others have realised this too. Anyway, it just sits here in this obscure spot of mine in the cloud.
It is about how cats are so smart that they figured out how to simplify their lives by simplifying communication to one word only: “meow”. It’s so obvious, only geniuses like cats could come up with it – they don’t have to think about what words they have to use to convey better how they feel – to make sure they’re not being misunderstood or accidentally hurting or offending anyone, they can just focus on how they really feel when they so honestly and humbly tell us: “meooooow”.
When they are sad and just need some attention, they look at you with those big eyes and simply say: “meeow” , when they’re bored and they feel like just laying back – they lick to clean their fur and spread their legs on what ever warmer surface they find and just softly say “meow”, when they are hungry they either come to you looking up at you in confusion – sometimes like you’ve ignored them for a half’a century with an almost loss of self-esteem in their eyes – either waking you up by scratching your face as they say: “meeeow?” ; and so many other times like when they want to play and they come lingering around you, tickling you with their tail as they pass rubbing by your feet and go: “meeow”. Oh the simpler life of being a cat, imagine entire books translated in to cat language, from hundreds or thousands of pages reduced to one easily understood word, “meeow”; moments of difficult arguments when one just can’t find the words to say how sorry they are and that it’s not what they wanted to say – how at that moment they could just look the other in the eye and honestly say: “meow” and hope for a warm embrace and that redemptive reply: “meow”.

PS. As I just saw this, 10th of July – 2020, the video below reminded me of this post and it seems to make the case for it.

trying your best

I’ve been thinking about this again lately and ended up with this, at different points (same period), so i thought i make a note of it so i don’t forget : )

trying your best has momentary thresholds, it’s actually a very elastic capacity – expanding as you exercise it… you’d be surprised

just try to do your best, you’ll be surprised how far that will take you sometimes

making the most of it

Sometimes i forget how “making the most of it” can be such a simple yet awesome recipe.
It’s an incentive to look at what’s eclipsed by the things that trouble us. Some of these things are mostly punctual / temporary, some last in longer challenges and may be very exhausting. But there’s more there – and it’s too often eclipsed even by petty little things.
But I know, sometimes it’s not as easy as said.

island of new beginnings

Initially, when I wrote it, I titled it “We the haunted”, but then after a month realised it sets a stigmata where it doesn’t really belong. And I chose to title it instead for the positive incentive that it deserves.

I’ll leave this shipwreck and join the others,
tiredly as they swim for the shore
to this distant island which we’re pretty sure that is not a mirage.
but we know
that once we get there,
if we make it,
we’ll have to build a new ship and find a new home.

so i jump, off this wreck that, although it keeps me afloat,
will not move anywhere,
and I’m tired already and weak – without nourish,
and have no esteem left as a paddle to push all that weight around.

as I leave the cold wood and hit the freezing water
my chest instantly feels like a stone of ice.
i try to adapt and struggle to keep breathing…

a-last, distracted from everything else all-round,
i start to push the water away from the island.
gradually, i get the hang of it.
i see it, it’s there, i can do this!

finally, confident enough that the island will not disappear,
i turn my head around.
others from other shipwrecks are swimming near by in the same direction.
the warm feeling of a hello makes all the cold feel like a tinkle,
“it’s not just me anymore” i tell myself
and continue pushing the water beneath me away from the island.

we look back at our separate shipwrecks as we swim…
all the familiarity that we had there, that we projected…
the lingering time spend customising reality or illusions…

how did we not see the rocks?

karmasutra and facebook

Content of this post started from this picture which came about just as I was wondering if I should get back to facebook or not, or not just yet…

Just one late addition: i just found the image funny, please don’t assume if I’m identifying with that or not, if I believe in karma or not or fate or not, destiny, what ever else. You’d be just assuming whatever you’d be assuming and this is just not the time to go into that.

Not sure which one is more jail-like (with or without Facebook).

Seems a bit more isolated without facebook, but then with Facebook it seems a bit more isolated in an virtual ego.

The past will be known as pre-facebook era and we are living in the facebook-era and the post-facebook era is what the mayans are foreseeing as the end of the world (again)… as they have reached the edge of their round stone.

Those who will not adapt will parish, their genes will be forgotten.
That’s ok, some are part of another species that will also survive, the googleolians.
Although their future is uncertain in the facebook era, their karmasutra is also strong.

Now, now, there will always also be the twitterites but they tent to stay close to one of the protecting clans of facebookolials or googleolians.

Other such species like linkedinonites and flickronites are starting to display similar adaptive behaviour.

While other, smaller ones like intstagramalites have been swallowed whole by the facebookolians which went “mnom, mnom”.

There are still very few, what they call, free spirits – that live by the forest and have no knowledge of the changes that came upon their brothers and sisters which to whom they seem very peculiar indeed, as for them the lingering rain and muddy lands are just as pleasant as the last sun-rays that slowly disappear from blue to red, dazzling trough the tree branches and beneath the mountain line before the stars start to light the horizon brighter and brighter.

(n-)am spor

“am așa un spor că poți să tai cu cuțitul prin el”

“am așa un spor că poți să-ți faci o haină din el”

“destul spor ca să hrănești toată planeta”

“o plantație de spor”

“nimic nu se compară cu o ceașcă de spor de dimineață”

“trezește-te și miroase sporul”

“ah, ce minuat e să fi tânăr și să ai spor”

“am un spor că aș mânca un cal”

“spor, nu pleca de acasa fără”

“unele lucruri nu pot fi cumpărate, pentru orice altceva există spor”

“all you need is spor”

“Cobori în jos, spor blând,
Alunecând pe-o rază,
Pătrunde-n casă şi în gând
Şi viaţa-mi luminează!”

balada sporului: “zzzz zzzz zzzz”

about shit

I’d like to say a few, or more, words about shit.

There’s that saying, true saying might I add, that “shit happens”.
And it’s very natural, not all things we put in our mouth (and swallow) are useful for our body – not to mention that we’d get even fatter; so some has to come out, the bad stuff or excess / the recycled, the left-overs. Liquid is piss and solid is shit. Well, sometimes shit can be pretty liquid too but for comfort sake let’s not get into details.

But, as I was saying, shit does happen, it’s a natural phenomenon, we share it with the rest of the animals (as they eat too) and we also instinctively associated the word with the bad stuff, just like the stuff that our organism decided that is, well, shit.

And so whenever something bad happens, we tend to make appeal to the word shit, and we have quite some expressions around it too. Surely you must know some, like the simple ones: Oh shit! Shit happens. Shit Happened. Holly shit! or Holly fucking shit! or just Fucking Shit! or Shit hit the fan! or Shit is going down!

And indeed it’s very intuitive, natural. So much so that actually: do you know what makes “shit go down”?
Maybe you do, but in case you don’t here’s the scientific answer: gravity! Gravity makes the shit go down. It’d be floating about otherwise would’t it?

Part II

So we know shit is a natural thing, very much like gravity and we’ve seen the connection how, because of gravity, shit inevitably will go down. Also we’ve remembered some expressions that are present with us in our everyday life as reactions to bad shit.

But about those expressions with shit; though most of them are natural exclamations, just reflecting amazement equal to merely interjections, there have been appearing some shitty expressions too – with shit. And one in particular which is not very rational, not mostly it seams to me, is really bugging the shit of me. Here it is:

“Shit happens so get over it!”

Well… where should I begin?
Yes, as mentioned above, shit does happen, and normally – as it’s not an un-natural thing, not an extra-ordinary thing to happen, we’d rightfully think it’s normal to “get over it” and to see this as the best thing to do.

But if you notice, the incentive here is rather passive in relation to ‘the shit‘. Which I think is a bad idea and can / will lead to passive behaviour regarding shit.
I mean, NO! Don’t JUST get over it! If you say just that then the receiver is tempted to have the excuse to do JUST that, after all, it’s the natural thing to do.

But if we’d do JUST that, we’d be swimming in shit. Not that we aren’t more or less (at least sometimes) already swimming in shit, and I’d say that’s due to such passive attitude.

So again, no, don’t just get over it. Is it yours? Clean it up! Notify the author if it’s not you, the author might be deluded in thinking it’s jelly-beans and might need an awakening; or maybe it is jelly-beans and you could use an awakening. Don’t accept shit like it’s just so natural to swim in it… clean the pool at least now and then.

Now, I must say, sometimes you should just get over it and indeed it’s not very rational to dramatise – but don’t go in the other extreme either. Like: you planned a picnic and it started to rain – I suppose some might be tempted to say shit happened, but it’s just water, you CAN (could) actually swim in it and dance and enjoy the rain. Or you tripped and hurt your self… unless you fell on a spear or broke your neck – it’s nothing, you might be upset as to bring shit drama into it, if so – so be it, shit happens – you’ll heal, indeed not much to do but put a patch on it (but even so you did something – didn’t just get over it).

My reaction is to this incentive for passivity (aware or not). This expression tends to be used when someone might really be down, a wreck, with low self-esteem, low or no hopes, disappointment, the kind of situation when some empathy would be helpful, someone to say “i’m with you” or “me too” or someone to remind them of the successes too, to remind them that failures bring lessons and assure better new tries, better chances for new beginnings, and of how natural it is sometimes to make mistakes or be overwhelmed, that everything can be OK again, just hang on, that they believe in him/her…
The one that is down, to which the shit happened, is so because he/she cares about something (positive) and doesn’t need to be reminded that it happens, they know, they feel it. And your reminder and incentive to be passive (mostly negative) is not really helpful.

An encouragement is usually what’s missing for the needy to materialise own potential in a solution motivated by the care on the situation – a rational / realistic and empathic encouragement. Instead this expression usually motivates dropping the problem entirely, not caring anymore, it suggests so quite aggressively / disregarding.

Also, personally, I don’t recommend getting stuck to sympathy or falling to the coziness of superficiality – artificiality or silver-lining – which is usually bitter and a let down.

meeting samurai Jack

After hours of turns on the other side of the bed and stares at the window and ceiling and at the lights and shadows on the wall – he finally, slowly can’t keep his eyes open anymore and falls asleep. In his dream, he finds himself in a semi-misty (cartoony) forest, by him self. The light of the sun is just turning orange as the dawn light shades less and less blue all around. He walks towards one of the very high trees as to lean on it and, as he approaches the tree, a silhouette shimmers in the mix of the mist and trees ahead – from the direction of the sun so that rays of light are casting a clearer and clearer shape of a samurai. Gradually he distinguishes the colours and shades of a man that approaches in no hurry; the man has a white robe, wooden sandals, a sword to his left side, his dark hair caught to the back almost at the top of his head, he has a peaceful and serene look and, although you could not identify a grim, his face was smiling all-together, his dark eyes glimmering as he was looking towards.
He knew this samurai, and although he was aware of the impossibility of meeting him, as he is a fictional cartoon character… he was not surprised at all, just as he was not surprised that he was in a cartoon world.
The samurai stopped in front of him and greeted him by his name, smiling and bowing his head slightly in sign of acknowledgement and respect. Looking lost and tired he bows back and gestures a sight like a call for help or an admission that he is indeed lost.
They sit down on a wood log and, as they talk, the samurai offers him his consolation, understanding and wisdom, and tells him to not let go of being true to him self and to those around him. They talk for what seems to be hours, gradually he realises he had so many questions to ask the samurai and the samurai answered each question with patience and the same smile and serenity.
Eventually he starts to gradually feel tired and he tells this to the samurai which advices him to lay down and try to get some sleep as he’ll need the energy. The samurai assures him that he’ll remain with him to keep company and watch over till he wakes up. He does so and as he lays down he stares at the samurai which was preparing a fire. Yet again, tired he slowly closes his eyes, the light of the fire slowly dimming and warming his eyes. He wakes up in his bed again.

opportunity as gaps in our lives

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3gxNW2Ulpwk

I keep listening to this song lately, it’s addictive. I realised a state of tranquility listening to it while on the road. Was looking at the clouds that seemed to be following me in my journey, and because they were static on my right side and the earth was rapidly moving underneath them and me, it gave an enhanced sensation of the earth’s rotation. I was suddenly realising the motion of the earth in that illusion of actually seeing it spinning under the clouds and under me, as if I and the clouds were running against it’s spinning direction and were more standing in the same point in space while the earth was spinning underneath. And suddenly I had this image of the earth as this big round rock and an image of it spinning around the sun and all together spiralling trough the galaxy cluster, and with it also moving constantly in Cosmos.

Ever since, every-time I listen to this song, also at the office, I keep recalling that image and feeling that way and as a reflex I turn my head to the window and I can almost see the ground moving fast under the clouds which are sometimes barely catching up, other times speeding ahead. And I get in that feeling of being a passenger in a ride, on the road.

I though for a while, what an interesting state that is, on the road. Even if only on the bus for a few minutes commute. Seems like it’s a twilight zone, a space and time where we are letting go of one state.. relaxed perhaps at home, or focused at work. We’re leaving behind perhaps the comfortable bathroom-robe in which had been cleaning up the room while enjoying some jazzy, symphonic or hard rock music – whichever the personality or mood, almost dancing our way trough the room; and we’re taking on the business-suit or whatever other possibly less comfortable clothing might be expected of us where we’re going or whatever we imagine that it’s expected of us, some are even seeing it as putting up “a mask” or a different side of them-selves as they arrive and enter the destination.

So, on the road between the destinations, maybe we re-discover ourselves briefly, remember of other things not connected to where we just left or where we’re just going. Maybe we remember dues, maybe remember dreams, maybe remember loved ones or promises, and as we approach our destination we prepare ourselves for where we’re going, what ever there might be, what ever we expect, what ever others might expect of us, maybe looking forward, maybe hopping for a fast finish, maybe with sorrow, maybe with butterflies in our stomach…

It seems like little gaps in our lives where we have the chance to still choose if we really want to leave the place we left or if we really want to go in the direction we are heading, or an opportunity to ask ourselves “where would I rather this ride to take me?”

my fortune non-cookies

So last week I found my self in a terrible mood / need for a fortune cookie.
Not sure why, have been pretty unstable lately, having trouble focusing, bit down… well you know, life has such moments too (for most of us – I imagine).

So anyway, I went to a place I knew they had (fortune cookies) and I also though I get a cup of tea as it’s the Demmers Teahouse here in Cluj. But they had no fortune cookies at the time…
Bummed, I went to another place where I like spending time, which I didn’t know if they had, but hopped they did have fortune cookies. They didn’t… Bummed yet again I decided there and then: no matter, I’ll write my own fortune cookies, well, they would not come with any cookies so I decided to call them fortune non-cookies so to not make any false advertisement. And here they are, for any needy soul that finds the usual provider un-ready for the clingy need that they might find them-selves with.

1. Yes you are in an ocean of irrationality, but keep swimming – you have just a bit more to the shore.

2. Feel like running on thin ice? Better slow down, there’s an iceberg ahead named recklessness.

3. Belle and Sebastian say ‘push barman to open old wounds” – that’s push, not punch!

4. Beyond every threshold there can be evolution… it’s up to you!

5. Other people’s foolish games might befuddle you and make you want to play your own… DON’T!

6. Steve is right “keep looking, don’t settle”* and incidentally double quote: “stay hungry, stay foolish!”

*Refers to stick to things that really bring passion and meaning in your life, not to being picky or following some perfection. It’s more than who you end up with, though that needs to resonate too.

7. They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Still, don’t mash your head into that wall…

8. Feel cluttered? Gather everything in one place > throw away the useless > organise.

9. Don’t understand something? There’s always the dictionary and/or Wikipedia. It’s often that easy.

10. The rabbit’s hole might go just as deep as you dig it… don’t you want to reach for the sky instead?

11. You may presume things about people or events, but remember: “presuming is the mother of all f@ck-ups”.

12. If you don’t have truth/honesty at the basis of your values, your other values might just be false.

13. One seams full of shit? Discreetly tell. It can be there where you thought or on your own lap. Awareness is good.

14. More then hearing, listen; more then seeing, observe; more then understanding what, understand why ~ Full-mindedly.

15. Trapped by dragon of own making? Set yourself free. Captain Planet said: “the power is yours”. Use courage to slay!

16. Enjoy NOW, you might not live in the future. But wisely as much as possible – remember moderation at least now and then. Future you will thank you in both cases*.

*Enjoy, but realize to stop/ change when you do it at the expense of more then just your own future. We’re so often trashing the ecosystem with our actions and ways. It’s rooted in our culture but that’s not an excuse.

17. Realise your thresholds, wich are worth keeping, which are wiser to cool down and which you should probably surpass and leave behind.

18.Failing to unfold your feelings and actions in the right order your intentions might not be known or believed…

Added after 3 years (I have more scattered in notes, but this one is a must, one of my favourites).

19.Remember Gandhi, and align what you think with what you say and what you do. It’s confusing and quite unfair otherwise, specially for yourself.

Later, experimental addition:

20. “Do what you gotta do”, but investigate first to reduce your chances of being mislead about what it is that needs/has to be done.

Even later addition:

21. Let your prefrontal guide you. Do what ever your giant cerebral-cortex tells you it’s worth it. Try not to cheat on/lie to your hypothalamus.

22. Trying your best has momentary thresholds, it’s actually a very elastic capacity – expanding as you exercise it… you’d be surprised

23. They say, and I’ve seen, how the small things have the power to make something wonderful in most meaningful ways, I’m also understanding how small things can easily create great misunderstanding and confusion.

24. Time can make things sweeter or bitter, but we’re the cooks.

Even later addition.

25. It’s often important, before you dish someone or something, to be patient to “see how things unfold”, but that doesn’t mean being distant and not caring or continuing your part to the unfolding – it doesn’t mean that you’re not part of/ not affecting the unfolding. Though it’s not necessarily mandatory that you’re part of it, if it came to be said – you probably are.

little version of a guide to finding yourself

It’s been a while since I tried to think in rhymes. Here’s an unfinished such thought.

Look behind you!
If you let everything go
and just stare at your life’s ground as if it was snow,
You might realise how bits of you left footprints in it’s glow.

Now look a bit around you…
Look up, look down, look left, look right,
Look at your surroundings – see them trough day and night…
And shining trough the darkness,
And gliding trough the light,
You find those pieces of you holding together tight.

film de scurt metraj ‘Parcul’

Acest sinopsis / scenariu l-am clocit pentru un curs de inițiere în cinematografie, ținut de Cineremember în Tg. Mureș (2010). Ideea era ca participanții să propună ideii/sinopsis/scenarii pentru un filmuleț care să fie partea practică a cursului. Membrii și colaboratorii Cineremember venind din București, îmi imaginam ca nu va putea fi foarte extravagantă partea practică deoarece cursul a fost gratuit și ar fi fost echipament de trasnsportat.

De aceea m-am gândit la această povestioară că va fi la îndemână, ușor de parcurs și învățat prin experință. Deși ideea mea a fost aleasă într-adevar pentru acele motive, și pentru suport și instrucțiuni au venit oameni capabili precum Șteafan Matei, realizarea clipului a lăsat de dorit, deși instrucțiunile teoretice au fost utile. De aceea îl împărtășesc acum în norișori pentru a valorifica totuși cât de cât ideea și efortul. Ar fi interesant să îl pot realiza așa cum mi-l imaginam.. odată. Iată ce am trimis organizatorilor cursului pentru selecție (cu mici ajustări).

PS. Se unmește “Parcul” deoarece se întâmpla într-un parc dar și are de multe ori în el cuvântul “parcă” : – ). Imaginile și filmulețul le-am făcut la exercițiul practic din timpul cursului / filmărilor – secvența asta am facut-o atunci doar scop ilustrativ, nu penru a fi folosită în montaj.

(deoarece e un filmuleț de căteva minute, am insistat la consisteța unor detalii importante. Acest film de scurt metraj este fără dialog, doar sunete din parc, oameni care trec – ‘environment sounds’).

Într-un parc, pe o bancă: o fată. Vizavi, pe o altă bancă, un băiat. Întâi ii vedem individual, parcă triști – încăt empatia celor ce vizionează filmul își face apariția: unii oameni se identifică cu personajul fie ca fiind tirști (singurătate), fie ca fiind ingrijorați (probleme – însă din nou ar avea nevoie de suprijinul cuiva).

Inițial aceștia sunt fixați cu ochii în pământ, neobservându-se. Între ei trec alți oameni (prin parc) care se bucură de vreme sau pur și simplu de timpul liber.

Pentru a da o admosferă/notă mai inocentă/senină, prin fața celor doi trece un cuplu fericit, altul cu un copil care se joacă de mână cu parinții lui.. poate și alte astfel de imagini.

Cei doi se observă pe rând, separat, și încep să aibe o mică idilă din priviri, am putea să îi zicem un flirt insă admosfera, privirile și zâmbeletele lor sunt parcă așa de pure, nevinovate încât am elimina conștiința și intenția unui flirt.

Întâi se prefac că nu s-au observat, apoi își zâmbesc – parcă fără să își dea seama. Apoi, conștientizând acest contact, băiatul parcă se rușinează și își întoarce timid privirea spre pămnât. Apoi se preface că se uită în altă parte ca și cum pentru a nu-i fi observată privirea. Observând aceasta, fata zâmbește amuzată și, ca un copil, își pune ambele mâini pe banca și isi leagănă (sau mișcă) picioarele și se uită și ea în stânga și dreapta.

Apoi, ca un joc cu doi copii timizi, fiecare se mai uită din când în când la celalalt, iar când și celalat se uita își întorc privirea ca și cum s-ar fi uitat defapt altundeva. Parcă entuziastmați fiecare – de jocul parcă copilaresc – zâmbesc fericiți parcă doar pentru sine, parcă înduioșați și totuși parcă prea timizi să își zâmbească privindu-se unul pe celălat.

Fata, dându-și seama că gândurile îi plutesc duse de această idilă, are un moment parcă de constientizare în urma căruia își pleacă capul parcă timidă.

Un gest ușor de mușcare a buzelor transpare starea fetei pentru cei ce vizionează, și – luându-și un moment pentru a se gândi la ceea ce se întâmplă, cu capul plecat – parcă îi fug ochii dintr-o parte în alta pe pământul din fața ei – ca a unui copil care tocmai își imagineaza cum va devora o prăjitură de care îi este foarte poftă și o vede știind că urmează să o mânânce în căteva momente.

Deodată, privirea i se oprește și, zămbindu-și parcă, își ridică ochii înapoi spre băiat.

Când își ridică privirea îl vede cum acesta se ridică de pe bancă, însă lângă el – tocmai ajunsă – este o altă fată pe care acesta o sărută și cu care pornește de mână spre ieșirea parcului.

Parcă subit, fata își dă seama de deziluzia în care s-a lăsat purtată de acel moment, care părea așa inocent/pur, imediat apoi cuprinzând-o tristetea. Se uita la baiatul care iese cu prietena lui din parc, apoi parcă re-observându-i se uită la oamenii din parc – la un copil care fuge la mama lui, la alt cuplu care stă pe o bancă, la o familie cu un copil care se plimbă prin fața ei.. apoi își apleacă încet privirea din nou spre pământ rămânând cu ambele mâini pe bancă. A revenit la tristețea inițială, însa de data asta parcă are o nouă tentă, sau poate de data asta doar știm mai bine cum să empatizăm cu ea..

Cadrul se departează ușor de banca ei până când în cadru intră un alt băiat care vine lângă ea și o ia in brațe, perietenul ei.

Ultima secvență este imaginea ei care, îmbrațișată cu prietenul ei, se uită peste umărul lui în jos tristă. De aici cadrul se departează și trece ușor în ‘blur’.

Acest mod de trecere între cadre – trecere prin blur (obținut prin controlarea focusului) – e refolosit pe parcurs. Astfel putem schimba focusul de pe unul din personaje (celălalt fiind aproape invizivil în blur) pe celălat personaj – ieșind primul personaj din focus – pierdut in blur (însă păstrând ideea că acesta este acolo și observă ceea ce este în focus).

Jim, Bob and Pete

Pete is an imaginary friend of a schizophrenic person, a fictive character that has not his creator’s faults, he’s always mentioned in some situations that ‘he would have known better’ and ‘realized better’ and ‘done better’, ‘done the right thing’ and so on; ..so much so that, although the others do realize that Pete is a fiction of his imagination – some start to look up to him.

Bob and Jim are sitting on the doc with the feet in the water, just staring at the water, stars and moon. Sounds of the night are clearly heard now and then breaking a contrast in the very mute atmosphere.

After a while, in which both were jut gazing straight ahead, Jim moves his sight a little towards the moon first, then at Bob, then ahead again, and – like realizing something, turns again to Bob:

Jim – Bob?

Bob – Yes?

J.– Would you be Pete?

Bob, turning his head just a bit and looking slightly in another direction to think, says after a while:

B.– I don’t know.. it depends..

J.– On what?

B.– (Turning his head a bit again) Well.. is he rich?

J.–(After pondering a bit) Suppose he is..

B.– Way richer the me or just a bit rich..?

J.– Suppose way richer..

B.– Is he athletic..? I mean the silhouette.. you know?

J.– Well..

B.– I don’t mean if he’s very sport-ish or muscle packed but.. you know, if he’s fit enough.. like, not looking like a slob or anything.. not fat or thin as a reed, but also with some shape in his body..

J.– Well, say he’s athletic, you know, got the muscles but just the right amount.. nothing too fancy but.. just enough.

B.– And the face? Is he handsome?

J.– Yeah, he’s handsome.

B.– – More hansom then me?

J.– Well.. would you like him to be?

B.– (thinking a bit) Dono’..

J.– Say he’s just the right way you’d appreciate it the most.. you know.. like.. just so much more or the same amount of hansom.. -ness as you’d like him to be..

B.– And he’s smart yes? I mean, he knows things, read a lot and.. stuff..

J.– Aahh, yes! He’s the smartest, very sharp mind indeed, very vigilant..

B.– Well.. I wouldn’t mind being Pete then.. wouldn’t be so bad I suppose.. might actually enjoy it I think.. at lest for a while you know.. to see what it’s like, you know? .. to be Pete..

Both are silent for a few seconds. Then Bob continuing;

B.– I mean wouldn’t you?

J.– (after taking his time) I dono’..

B.– I mean if he’s way richer.. and still down to earth, and.. and a good fellow, and all clean and mannered..

Jim doesn’t answer and Bob looks surprised, and in a way trying to justify him self,:

B.– Wouldn’t you? I mean.. say he’d have it all, all you can want, be all you would like to be..

Jim still seems in doubt and doesn’t answer.

B.– Well? Would you? (like a cry for solidarity)

J.– It’s true I suppose.. I do have a lot of things that I.. could have done better.. ways I could have been better I suppose.. I have done many mistakes.. I guess because I did’t know any better or.. because I was distracted by other things.. there are still so many things I don’t know, that I.. wish I knew. Somehow it seams I just can’t wrap my mind around all of these things..

It’s silence for a few seconds when Jim suddenly continues

J.– But there’s nothing like being with my baby.. somehow I don’t see Pete with my baby.. the thought disturbs me. It’d be like cheating or taking an undeserved shortcut.. But then I think we have our own version of Pete, a better us, to which we try to head towards and gradually become.

[…]

B.– Well.. it was just a hypothetical question (getting upset like a child almost about to cry out, offended), I mean you started and asked me in the first place!

Again a few seconds of silence when Bob looks upset at Jim which keeps staring at the water. Suddenly Bob, upset stands up and leaves after exclaiming upset:

B.– You twat!

By me

Actually I was fluctuating between different endings in Jim’s answer. I’m not happy with this current ending. In one of the versions Jim gets jealous on Pete (left a bit of possible interpretation but barely) and starts to feel insecure. In another version he realizes he doesn’t want to be anything like Pete but I did not want to portray a man who is conscious enough to think that ignorance could be a bliss and also accept it as his fate. I’ll possibly update the ending. But it will still be with Bob getting upset and leaving, just that now, his reason for being upset and calling Jim a twat is not obvious or well build.

tranquility vs zen

“- You see, we all can be the master of our selves, in control and aware, pure if you like. We just have to give up on the things that hurt us, that destroy us.. he says looking at the cigarette and then slowly taking a smoke. But we can’t.. we’re addicted, we’re the slaves of our own ignorance, the pawns of our own self destructing plan, following it blindly.. Although! (after suddenly reducing intensity of speech) at times we realize, we know.. Some just can’t live with the self that they have become, that has been affected and build by the path they find them selves on.. and let go into ignorance.. apathy, surrender to the sweet immediate reward, (a sudden rise of intensity, exclaiming) the instant gratification! why get your self all beat up in tiredness and compromises when in one day! you can be the king of procrastination, the lord of Bohemia! You feel full power over your self and stand naked in the middle of your living room with Tchaikovsky floating all around you and over saturating every cell of your eardrum when, in a high peak, while neighbors are hitting on your walls and shouting, you roar: “I don’t give a fuck!”.. and feeel soooo freee.. (he said slowly, enjoying the moment in a sudden stop from adrenalin, but after another second a bitter realisation is reflected in his suddenly dimmed face).. Of-course.. the day passes.. and you find your self in the morning making re-acquaintance with your life, (starting an expression of discontent like hatred towards that discouraging moment of re-acquaintance) which it felt so good to just ditch!.. and enjoy tranquility.. it almost feels right to make the same choice this next day too.”

By me.

PS. I just find my self imagining these kinds of dialogs or monologues after experiencing or witnessing intense emotions, sometimes it’s something I see on the street or anywhere outside, reading something (not as often as I would like), hearing someone’s own story or remembering moments of intense feelings or situations. Another often occasion is after seeing a movie. And in this above paragraph in particular it was after seeing “Black Swan” – still, it has nothing to do with the movie’s story.

confession – poetry?

I used to write like.. poetry stuff when I was in high-school.. in English.. Yeah, I know it sounds wicked but I did.. burned them though after finishing high-school – i know, dramatic, I roll that way it seems. Kept only one that I had send to a site poetry.com

I don’t remember exactly, but I think it was like a contest to get your poetry published in a compilation named “The sound of poetry”. So, the way I got to keep it was that they had send a letter back to me with the poem asking me to approve to publish it by sending it back with any corrections. But I didn’t send it.. for some reason.. Here it is.

No name, just a moment..
(by me – some time before or in 2001)

I got this peculiar feeling
A flea that eats a man
And sucks his blood
Until he’s all out of his gut
And eats and sucks until the flea is damned
And killed, just like a crush into the ceiling.

Black comes tending to take over
Above all white it starts to make a shadow
That scares my little angel at this hour
Feeling so alone and whit out power
To stab the evil in his heart he’s sent an arrow
With his last breath to save me from upon my shoulder.

Otherwise.. I guess lately I didn’t think of writing anything or expressing my self much, in such ways I mean. I guess the main reason for that is because at one point I started to listen music instead of just hearing it. I get so high when I find a song.. I’ll give you an example, the current most played in the list, the song is Yael Naim’s New soul. The one before this one is Semisonic’s Closing time, which is still among most played too – love the lyrics, they make such a difference, they influence a lot how I like or if I like a song.